Wow, what a year 2017 has been! In a space of 12 months, my
life has been turned upside down. Some would say that my life has been quite
normal, others would say it’s been a roller coaster ride. We all have different
perspectives and come from very different worlds, and sets of ‘norms’. Even my
husband and I – as much as we think we have similar morals and values – we come
from very different places and do our best to ‘negotiate’ on how we see the
world.
So 12 months ago, where was I?
I had just moved into the place where I now live. I was
engaged to a lovely man – although someone I never thought I’d marry; and hey,
here I am 12 months later, and so happy that I did! I was questioning my values
in some areas; about to meet my future mother-in-law – which has been a very
interesting 12 months of getting to know each other… similar to the way a group
experiences dynamics, you know, the whole forming, storming, norming,
performing cycle… however not sure where exactly we are up to with that; I was
in the midst of organising a wedding, and still dabbling with the idea of
whether I have a wedding planner help me or not as I was predicting a mental
breakdown happening with all the organising that needed to be happening
interstate combined with the minimal amount of spare time my job and lifestyle
allows, and at the same time, learning how to be a mum to a gorgeous cavoodle
fur baby, called Princess Charlotte or Charlie for short.
People say what doesn’t hurt you makes you stronger. Well in
some ways I definitely think I’m stronger – I’ve definitely had to learn to
negotiate, and understand how to truly put others’ needs ahead of my own
desires… which previously I thought I did, but this last year, I really had to
do not just think it!
With all of this in mind; I’m now typing at the computer at
the dining table in my beloved house, listening to my mostly awesome (sometimes
annoying) dog who is now barking at the neighbours’ dogs, and reminiscing about
whether I actually succeeded or failed this year. Either way, no matter my
analysis – or whether my friends, family or husband agrees with me as their
viewpoint will always be different to mine as we all wear different pairs of
shoes – the year has now gone. In many ways, I’m glad it’s over, but then again
I’m sad I still don’t have answers and solutions to some of my frustrations and
questions.
For the first time in a long while, I definitely think this
year has hurt me and not just unanimously made me stronger. I used to think I
was invincible in many ways. Overall, I have usually been in good health,
physically and mentally, and exercised a lot both from a cardio and weights
perspective in order to stay fit and slim. This year hurt my mental wellbeing
and health. I think it burnt me out.
Learning how to live with someone else is always an
interesting dynamic. I love my husband dearly, but learning someone else’s
habits and having to work out what works for you and what doesn’t can be a
challenge. Similarly for them too. Neither of us are perfect. Neither of us
have the world totally understood and why things happen or why there aren’t
always solutions to all the problems we encounter whether individually or
together; so learning more about each other every day, how we tick, what
matters most to us, and learning to be a couple, not just two individuals
living under the same roof has been a very interesting learning experience for
both of us. It’s definitely made us closer but wow, I take my hat off to those
that have been married for so many years and make out that it is easy!
My parents have been married 43 years, and although I have
seen them quibble here and there, it is very rare. May my husband and I have
that enjoyment when we are old and grey too! I should also add here too, that
our honeymoon in the middle of this year was the best thing that ever happened
to our relationship. It brought us closer and really gave us a chance to remove
ourselves from all the stresses of work and everyday life, and truly just get
to appreciate each other and the commitment we have made to each other to be
lifelong friends, lovers and partners as we grow old together – and hopefully
one day as parents too.
Back to feeling burnt out. So, 10 months ago, I was healthy,
running, swimming, living life and slim as can be. Now, I’m rundown, have
chronic fatigue, am heavily overweight, and frustrated at all the time I have
spent going for blood tests, seeing doctors and receiving conflicting
information on how I should be living my life, and what medicines I should be
taking or treatments I should be following in order to get my health back.
Never have I really sat down and appreciated how lucky I was to have such good
health for so long; but this year, it feels like it has come crashing down.
Maybe my body and mindset was holding out till I was married and once that all
happened I gave in to all the ‘goings on’ of my life. Maybe it was organising a
wedding, and moving, and working, and travelling, and and and… that just
shocked my system too much to be able to fight back. It’s so hard not knowing.
Not knowing whether my health will come back; being frustrated that it may take
a long time to get back in shape, and repair my gut health; frustrated that I
still can’t work out which doctor or therapy or method of treatment to follow.
If it wasn’t for my amazing husband believing in me and the medical systems
around me, I think sometimes I would have lost my motivation to go to work that
day and just face another doctor’s appointment. I love my job. I love my
husband. I love my dog. I love my friends. I’m just sad with how my health has
turned around and how overweight I feel and look.
I don’t fit into my awesome wardrobe of clothes. I don’t
feel comfortable in most things I’m currently wearing. I’m not happy that
everyone thinks I look pregnant when I’m not. I’m not happy that people keep
asking why we aren’t pregnant yet – which is pretty much impossible until I get
my health in order and get my physical strength back (and mental strength too).
I don’t want to buy clothes in a bigger size as it’s just too upsetting to face
the facts and be reminded constantly of how unhealthy I feel and am.
For someone who often has the answers; and usually tries her
hardest to come up with solutions… I am stumped with this one and so frustrated
you can’t imagine. So as I conclude this blog post; I look back on 2017 feeling
very fulfilled in some ways and totally empty in others. It’s a very strange
feeling.
All I can hope for is that 2018 goes back to my ‘normal’;
that I can somehow get to be healthy, fit, slim and feel physically at my best;
that I can still have a wonderful and supportive husband by my side; that my
job that I enjoy can still be my stability despite the many times I have to
catch up hours for medical appointments; that I can one day (not necessarily in
2018) say yes I am pregnant to the many people that criticise or ask why we
aren’t yet; and where I can feel mentally strong to take on the next challenges
of life, which I am so eager to experience. May everyone have the strength to
fight their battles and have the support networks they need to continue being
the awesome people we should be.
And so… (although both of my grandmothers are now older and
I am so grateful to have them in my life, particularly earlier this year when
they were witnesses to my marriage; I hope they have the courage to fight on
too, as long as god will allow it)… we are now another year older… and just
like that… tick tock tick tock, I went away on holidays, and returned to face
the adventures of 2018.
Ps. I should have also thrown into this entry the terror of the
Bourke Street mall incident in January; but need I say more. I saw too much
that day; the injured, the dead, the SWAT team, the police presence, the media coverage,
right outside my front door. It impacted my work routine, where I walk in the
office, my anxiety of the next holiday season, and any time there is a major
emergency in the city. It wasn’t pleasant; may it now be a thing of the past
(mindful of those who died that day).
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